Zero contact with an ex: rules, exceptions and low contact

The basic rules

1. No messages, calls, emails or voice notes.
2. No reactions, likes or replies to their posts or stories.
3. No checking their profiles, online status or playlists.
4. No contact through friends, and no asking about them.
5. No “accidental” visits to places they go.

What about their messages?

You can't control whether an ex contacts you, only how you respond. Some options:

• Wait. You don't have to reply right away, or at all. Give yourself a day.
• Keep it short. If you reply, be brief and kind, and don't open new topics.
• Answer only what's necessary. Practical questions get practical answers.
• Mute or block if their messages keep reopening the wound.

A message from them doesn't reset your progress. Only your own choices do.

Exceptions that are OK

Zero contact isn't meant to make life impossible. These are usually fine, as long as they're short and in writing:

• Returning belongings, ideally through a friend or in one agreed handover.
• Bills, a lease, shared accounts and legal matters.
• A real emergency.
• Shared pets or children (see below).

Low contact: when you share kids, work or a home

If total silence isn't realistic, use low contact. Keep communication written where possible, only about logistics, brief and polite, and at predictable times. No personal chat, no “how are you really”, no late-night calls. Some co-parents use a shared calendar so there's less to discuss at all.

Mutual friends and social media

Mutual friends are often the hardest part. Ask them, once, not to pass on news. Mute or unfollow your ex everywhere, and consider muting a few people whose posts keep showing them. Not looking matters: monitoring an ex online has been linked to more distress and less growth after a breakup (Marshall, 2012).

Should you ever restart contact?

Maybe, later, and calmly. After 60 or 90 days, some people find they can be friendly; others realise they don't want contact at all. Decide from a steady place, never in the middle of an urge. To understand what's happening in your head meanwhile, read does zero contact work.

From “should I text them?” to a calmer answer

Zero Contact gives you somewhere to put the message you want to send, a coach that keeps you on track, and Emergency Mode to lock the apps you'd text them from.

Zero Contact is a self-help tool, not therapy or medical care. If you are in danger or thinking about hurting yourself, contact your local emergency number or find a helpline at findahelpline.com.